Christmas Sale: All Crazy Friends MUST GO!!!

Yes, I am having a special...this week only (unless it doesn't work and then I will extend it...) I am selling off all crazy-wacked out friends that are driving me nuts. They really are a steal! Here are you candidates:

Ms. Self-Absorbed: Here she is ladies and gentleman....want to have a phone conversation for over 30 minutes where all you get to say is "yes", "uh huh" and "mmm"? She will talked your ear off endlessly about EVERY detail of her day from what time she got up to what she had for breakfast and every item she bought at Wal-Mart. If that isn't self-absorbed enough for you hold on: she will also email you and accuse you of "needing space" from her because less than 2 days after your husband deploys she sees your car at a friends house and is angered that you didn't call her first. And to make sure you get the point that she should have been your first call she will accuse you of resenting her because her husband didn't have to deploy. (Please note: the friend's house you were at is a dual-military couple that was with your husband when he deployed the 1st time and they understand that all you need to do is talk and cry...)

Also included with this model are the following annoying features:
1. Even though she never grew up in a military house and doesn't even live on post she will insist upon using military terms whenever she can...even though the actual service members don't do this, she will...example: she always gives the time in the 24 hour clock: 1500.
2. Anything and everything you have ever done...so has she! and Better!! Please don't try and just tell her casual stories of your past because she will interupt and one-up you every time!
3. Please don't give her any intimate details or even semi-intimate details of your life because provided she can keep her mouth shut--her husband can't! And magically somehow everything he says becomes a lie and will ruin your other friendships for you (no extra charge)!

Our next candidate is Ms. Could-be-addicted-to-painkillers-and-wants-to-stalk-you: This friend seems pretty normal at first....calls occasionally, agrees on certain previously names a-holes needing to have their 18-year-old hair pulled out. This is how she lures you in. After a few casual meetings she calls you up in the middle of the night crying her eyes out because she misses her husband (understandable) but then calls back 30 minutes later and is perfectly fine. So, then you go over to her house one night and witness the whole spectrum of nuts: one minute laughing at everything (eyes fixed and dilated), then angry and throwing things because she can't find something, then crying because you say you are leaving. Everytime you hang up she will want to know when you are going to call again.

Also included with this model:
1. Will drive by your house (which is VERY out of the way) and call to let you know that there is a car in your driveway so your dog sitters must have arrived.
2. Ask you to accompany her to her hysterectomy even though her mother can make it because she feels close to you....
3. Will invite you a year in advance to vacation with her family...whom you have never met.

No winners here? Just let me know what qualities you are looking for in a friend and I will gather one up for you...now please remember: friends that listen, are supportive, and just want to hang out when you both have time are very rare...so please don't be upset if I am keeping those ones...at least until after the holidays! :-)